Sunday 23 April 2017 – Here it goes…!

As I sit down with a fresh cup of tea and a ‘baby induced’ headache, I’m struggling to think of what to share as my first blog entry.  I suppose I’d better start from the beginning:

Me and my wife Charlotte really struggled with conceiving.  We are talking three years. Once we were nearing the three year point, we had compensated kids, with dogs.  Four dogs in total, and our cat, Ted.  We also thought, fuck it – kids are obviously not meant to be, so we bought a brand new car with all the trimmings, totalling to £21,000! Due to me being the army, we also moved house and Charlotte got a new job, which gave us some extra pennies and hell did we spend those!  So here we were: with our fancy designer clothes, our flash car which Jeremy Clarkson himself would approve of, and our 5 furry children; life couldn’t be better!


Charlotte found a pregnancy test in the food cupboard (don’t ask), and we decided that we may as well do it. I mean, we were used to the end result, so why not!  So, there I was, stood in the kitchen with my batman dressing gown on and a cup of tea in my hand, finger-drumming a made up rhythm on the kitchen counter.  “Dan I think it’s positive!” my shocked wife finally said. I couldn’t think of anything to reply with, other than, “fuck off!”, I know, I also think that was the appropriate response.  It was positive. We knew it. We just didn’t believe it.  We actually ended up FaceTiming Charlotte’s sister, who was straightening her hair for a night out she was just about to go on.

Once we explained what had happened, she looked at it once and replied “yeah, looks like a positive to me.”  Then, after a bit of persuasion, she agreed to look at it again. “Yes its positive” she repeated.  Once we warned her not to drink too much, we ended the call and there was a silence for a solid 20 seconds (at least). I took the test in one hand, and the test box in the other, studying the result window with precision.  We couldn’t believe it.  All we had wanted for so long had finally happened and (for some reason) I felt incredibly sick; I was just flabbergasted that my balls actually worked!

So now I suppose I should tell you a little more of our offspring.  We have a one and half year old (I don’t describe my kid’s age’s in month form from one year old onwards, because it frustrates me more than it should) boy called Noah and a five and a half month old girl called Amelia.

Yes I know what you’re thinking, we didn’t wait around.  And I’d agree with you.  It is difficult with the age gap so close together, but would we change it?  Would we fuck!  They are, with no doubt, the best things that have ever happened to us. The early morning feeds, the tantrums, the explosive nappies, the random screaming episodes at 6AM – I could go on…!

The only thing that matters is all four of us are happy. My wife and I are beyond exhausted, and I would give my left bollock to be able to sleep later than 6AM.  I want built in gloves that automatically spawn and cover my hands, arms and face when a bodily fluid (or solid) shoots out of the respectable orifice of one of our smiling children. I’d love a cup of tea right now too, but I’ve already been told I have to make it myself.

Joking aside, Charlotte is so great with the kids.  She is the calmer one of the duo and I couldn’t do this without her.  I love her entirely and the fact she has given us two, lovable, mental, moody, whining, funny, adorable children, I love her entirely x2.

This blog will be for those of you who can relate, laugh and reminisce on the real-side of parenting. The side that the parenting guides always seem to forget to mention.  ENJOY!



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