Breastfeeding is one of the most natural things in the world. I have watched a 3 minute video in the hospital waiting room sooo many times, because we all know how the NHS likes to keep us waiting – people living in the U.K, am I right?! The video was obviously designed to make it as simplistic as possible to understand for the average person. There was a sub-section on the video explaining the “nipple angle”, and it really did baffle me. The nipple has to basically ‘stroke’ the baby’s top lip, which will then persuade the baby to open its mouth. Then, when the baby’s mouth is at its widest point, get that nipple in there as quick and as deep as humanly possible, and thus, the baby will begin to suckle.
Pretty amazing right? I mean, when Charlotte had each of our wonderful monsters, the first thing the midwife does is plant the baby on the mothers chest for the very important skin-to-skin contact. Each of ours were in search of the holy grail as soon as they landed on Charlotte’s chest, like a couple of gannets. Its amazing to me that a baby, which is minutes old, knows exactly what he or she needs to do for food. It also made me feel dumber than usual because as the kids will soon learn, their dad (me) has a real struggle finding the light switch in the dark, even though it has been on the exact same area of wall since the house was fucking built!
Charlotte was adament she wanted to breastfeed, and she did for a few weeks. She did struggle though, as all new mums do I’m sure! The annoyance started very soon after, though…
Once she had given birth to Noah, and she was placed on the baby ward, she found it difficult to feed him. He would latch on and fall off every few seconds and she grew more and more frustrated and tired. Two or three hours in she was getting emotional with the whole thing as Noah wouldn’t stop crying and we were both concerned he wasn’t getting what he needed. So I though, enough is enough. I stormed out of the ward and went to the staff room. There were about four or five midwives sat, phone in hand being as sociable as ever. I remember on the hospital walkaround the midwife said “We do hold formula milk if new mums are struggling to breastfeed.” So requested some, after explaining the situation, to which she responded “Is she doing it right?” To which I replied “Erm, I think thats your job, isn’t it?”
The now annoyed midwife came in to Charlotte and showed her what she had to do, and it wasn’t working. She refused to give us any milk though. “Thats fine, thanks.” I said to the midwife and i said to Charlotte I will go home and grab some we bought “just in case”. Noah was very grateful for the milk, as you can imagine and he slept for a good four hours.
Now, what annoys me is the medical professionals who specialise in all things baby, seem to look down on people who decide to bottle feed. I can proudly say that neither of our monsters have had any dramas from bottle feeding, or any problems in general and I thank the baby gods entirely for that! So miss midwife, with all due respect, shut up with your medical jargon bollocks.
Some of the downsides of breastfeeding from my point of view are:
- Lying in bed, me being little spoon, and suddenly getting a wet sensation on my back. Yes, you guessed it. She leaked on me.
- Sitting on the sofa, with Charlotte at the other end of the three-piece, expressing into bottles, missing the fucking bottle and hitting me in the eye with her boob juice.
- Brushing past her around the house and accidentally hitting one of her nipples. Which then results in me being assaulted in a prison-brawl like rage.
- Living with a woman who is constantly touching her nipples and massaging her boobs is highly arousing to me, but they are definitely a no go area, apparently!
Don’t worry, Charlotte knows I love her and I know she loves me too, for now anyway – this fact is pending until she has read the above bullet points!
Another thing with breastfeeding are the fucking cretins that think it is offensive. I have never known someone to take offence to a dog breastfeeding her puppies, or a boy lion humping a girl lion (as you can tell by my terminology, I am an expert veterinarian) and why? Because its fucking natural!
I have seen signs up in some below standard, shit hole restaurants (not naming any names, so don’t worry KF– oh fuck I mean, not naming names and nothing else) saying “Breastfeeding-Friendly”. Well yeah, why wouldn’t you be? Would you approach a mother about to breastfeed her child and say “Hello madam, terribly sorry but we here at KF— oops, I mean, we here at unnamed restaurant don’t approve of this sort of thing. Can you and your screaming, hungry baby disappear please?” – No you wouldn’t. Therefore, your signs are a waste of money and irrelevant, take them down.
As for the nay sayers and the ones who find it offensive:
FUCK OFF! YOUR FACE IS OFFENSIVE. WITH AN ATTITUDE LIKE THAT, YOU SHOULD BE WORKING FOR KF——FUCK, NOT AGAIN!