Monday 24 April 2017 – Living with Wolverine and Edward Scissorhands.

I never thought that a child could potentially be, with the psychopathic mindset, a crazed bear-like murderer.  The nails of a small child are without doubt, the sharpest thing I have ever come across….EVER!

I was lying in bed one Saturday morning when me and Charlotte were awoken by Amelia crying (at 0545AM, obviously).  I pretended I was asleep because I thought there was an incredibly slight chance I may be left alone by my beautiful wife and given an extra ten minutes in bed.  I was wrong.  She did get up to go grab Amelia, but only after she gave my a little, but powerful kick in the back (which I was very thankful for) and told me to get up…. (insert angry faced emoji here).

I could hear Charlotte talking to Amelia over the monitor and I was thinking both – cute and please go downstairs and talk there, instead.  There was me, wishful thinking yet again!  She came walking back into the bedroom, with Amelia in her arms who was now cooing and giving daddy dearest a cute little smile.  I smiled back, of course.  Amelia suddenly found herself onto my pillow, with thanks to Charlotte (and she had most of the fucking pillow!), and she lie there next to me, smiling.  Charlotte climbed back into bed at the other side of Amelia, and as we settled, the eyelids felt like lead and before we knew it, we were all asleep.

“OUCH!!” I shouted, as I almost shit my batman PJ’s. Amelia felt that blue eyes just didn’t suit me, and fancied changing those motherfuckers the old school way!  I was awake now, but instead of seeing my beautiful daughter in bed next to me, I saw an imposter.  Fucking Wolverine had entered the bed, dressed as Amelia.  The disguise was uncanny!  Now lets get one thing straight readers.  This has been said in jest.  I did NOT wake up to Hugh Jackman lying next to me in bed because that would be weird.  Kind of fucking cool, for sure!.. But weird, all the same.  The talons on my once fluffy, harmless baby girl were like a fucking Bold Eagle!  I gave my wife a look of someone who had just walked into my house and took a shit on my kitchen floor. “I thought you said you cut her nails!?” I said.  “I did Dan. They grow back so bloody quick, you know!” She replied.

Half an hour later and Noah was awake.  I thought, great – I was awoken by a screaming pretty daughter, who turned out to hate my eyes where they were, and now my emotional, non-morning person son was awake.  This has been a fairly productive morning, I thought – and it was only 0645AM!!

That day was the big food shop day, so we all got dressed and ready for the child-bearing supermarket trip.  I asked Charlotte for the shopping list she had made up, checked through what we needed and added:

  • Two pairs of oven gloves – size small.
  • Strongest fucking tape known to man.
  • Super glue (as a back-up)

I folded the list back up, smiling and I thought to myself “That should fucking do the trick!”


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