Monday 24 April 2017 – Prams, finger food and tantrums.

I’m exhaling a deep sigh as I begin to write this, because prams do my head in.  To me, a pram is a push-a-long piece of equipment, in which you place your kid(s), so you can ‘go mobile’ and cause headaches to other people with your children’s screaming outside of the home too!  It doesn’t have to have fancy chrome on the wheels.  Or an emergency wrist strap in case you trip over (I still think this is a waste of time and would just slip off… who’s with me?!).  Cup holder?!  Oh for fucks sake!!

To be honest with you, we did buy an iCandy – which was expensive.  But in my defense, we were new to this game and you learn from experience, don’t you.  I was always in the mind set of ‘you get what you pay for’.  However, this isn’t always the case.  We agreed on what every soon-to-be parents surely agree on – “Right, this pram is expensive as fuck! He or she isn’t eating in it, or drinking in it, or anything else that’s messy. Agreed?” – HAHAHAHAHAHA!!…. Oh sorry, I couldn’t help but laugh at how ridiculously pointless that pact was!

Please don’t be one of these parents who are on stand-by with a wet wipe, catching crumbs and yoghurt mid-flight.  Its annoying and pointless because one day, that pram is going to get fucking minging.  There is no avoiding it!  

Just wait until your “angel” is going absolutely mental and flipping the fuck out, to the point where people think you’re beating the little shit. Once you do eventually manage to get him or her in the pram (which is extremely difficult. Kinda of like putting a cat into a zip-tie sandwich bag – impossible), the only thing you can do to shut them up is either add sedatives in their juice, or give them finger food. 

Now, I’m not teaching you to suck eggs, but I have been asked by people before what finger food is.  Finger food is carrot sticks, crisps, fruit pieces, cucumber slices, banana etc.  Basically, easy to hold and easy to eat food.  It doesn’t matter what you do, any good that is given to your “angel” is going to be a parmanent part of that pram forevermore. You can scrub that motherfucker with the strongest chemical on the market, it’s not coming off.  You will also find these food on your clothes.  The areas the food tends to be attracted to are very easy notifiable areas of your body, however you can’t see the food stains. But everyone you speak to or meet at the time, has a good giggle telling you that you have a fucking chocolate button on your earlobe! 

So in summary, buy a cheap pram, buy and wear cheap clothes, always pack sedatives in the changing bag and always, always, always take a fucking mirror and check your body for food scraps as often as possible. 

 

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