Sunday 30 April 2017 – Go Jetters: My Opinion.


I watch a lot of CBeebies because I have to, otherwise my son will start smashing up ornaments, having strong toddler meltdowns and probably doing hard drugs to pass the time…. (maybe not the drugs bit).  

I don’t know how they get the money to fund their lavish adventures but with what they will need funds-wise, all I can think of is drug-dealing and sex trafficking.  No bank in the land would invest in a group of minion-esque dwarves in snazzy, futuristic looking shell suits; not to mention the unicorn who seems to be the ringleader in the Jetter’s escapades. 

Xuli:


Only girl of the group and pilot of their vehicle, the Vroomster (I know, how original).  Her catchphrase is “not cool” and if she is using that phrase to describe the show, I agree. 

Kyan:


The sporty one of the group.  He is basically the annoying child who’s parents claims he or she has AD/HD, when in reality, the child is just being a dick. His catchphrase is “aced it!” – definitely not said to describe the show.

Lars:


The tallest twat of them all.  He is like the handy man of the group. Fixes everything and sorts all the kit out. If your school caretaker wore skin tight sports gear to change a light bulb, this would be him.

Foz:


The clever little bastard of the group.  Boasts about mathematics and how good he is at it.  Has almostly certainly never kissed a girl. 

Ubercorn:


The leader and mentor of the Go Jetters Academy.  He wears a ski mask and a glittery jump suit.  This prick guides the team whilst on missions and selects ‘click-ons’ to help the group out.  He is the font of knowledge and constantly reminds us with his ‘funky’ fucking facts. Does my head in, the quirky little idiot. 

Grandmaster Glitch:

This guy is my kind of guy. He is a former Go Jetter reject who likes having fun – normally in the form of smashing famous architecture or defacing monuments – my kind of guy. His catchphrase is “grimbles!” And he has a huge 70’s porn moustache.  He has little minions called Grimbots who make him tea and do all the other little shit jobs he doesn’t want to do. 

Episode Structure:

Every episode is the same shit, in different countries. It goes something like this:

  • Aboard the Jet Pad, the Go Jetters are looking for a new place to visit, fuck shit up, drop mic and leave again.
  • On there way to the destination, Ubercorn tells them boring facts about that place.
  • They realise Grandmaster Glitch is there, actually having a good time doing cocaine and what not.
  • The Jetters ask UberTwat for some Click-Ons and they spoil Glitches fun and then take a fucking selfie to celebrate.


At the end of the day, this programme makes no sense, and the fact that they are making loads of money from drug dealing and sex trafficking (probably), it shouldn’t be being aired on kids TV.  Oh and if they were as smart as they think they are, they would fuck over Grandmaster Glitch and either kill him or lock him up.  That way it’ll  save them from sorting him out every time they planned a trip aboard for a piss up and drunken one night stands. 

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