I have never been a daredevil or a stuntman wannabe. I haven’t had a desire to jump through rings of fire or throw myself from a burning building into a kiddies play pool. I wouldn’t worry about ailments I procured in my time on earth, and I would shrug off each cough, ache and pain, knowing it’ll only last a couple of days and I’ll be alright again. The only thing that has ever been too extreme is the feeling of food touching your fingers when you are doing the washing up.
That said, I never thought I would become a hypochondriac, automatically fearing the worst to everything I thought was wrong with me, once we had kids. I toy with myself and once I have an idea of what the illness is (usually something dreadful and life-threatening), mind won’t rest until I see a doctor. If the aches, pains and sneezes were what I thought they were over the last 18 months, I would be a super cat with unlimited lives. In reality, there is normally a reasonable explanation to them all, which are firstly pointed out by Char and then the doctor. I am my own worst enemy and it drives me and those closest to me absolutely insane.
I really do try and stay positive and its not because I’m not happy, because I certainly am. I suppose it could be much worse, and I could be addicted to crack cocaine and steal from others to feed my habit. However, it is still a big issue all the same.
Here are a few of the things I thought I was dying from:
- Chest pains: they started off very mild and because I was thinking of them, they got worse. I imagine this was the case, because the mind can be a prankster arsehole.
- Heart pain: this really scared me and I genuinely thought I was dying. I was rapidly embarrassed when my doctor told me it was heart burn and prescribed me Gaviscon, which got rid of it straight away.
- Ball ache: my left nut was aching so much, which immediately led me to think I had testicular cancer. I then did the best lump check I could carry out and confused the ‘lump’ with the epididymis. I also confused the right nut about a week later for the exact same as the left, and saw the doctor on to seperate occasion – one for each bollock!
- Shoulder pain: this literally turned out to being on crutches after recent ankle surgery and the pain was due to me being lazy, and not using the muscles in my arms often enough.
- I also complain about my ankle now, but that is post surgery and is (hopefully) on the mend.
As well as all these issues, I also have new and old fears that bother me:
- Spiders: because spiders.
- Aerophobia: this never bothered me at all. I used to actually enjoy this more than the arrival of the holiday destination! Now, I feel like every flight will turn into a reanactment of Cast Away, and we will crash land on a desert island and I will have to catch fish with spears and shit.
- Ophidiophobia: because snakes a fucking gross.
- Glossophobia: the fear of public speaking. FYI imagining everyone is naked, doesn’t work!
- Globophobia: balloons are the worst and I hate them popping unexpectedly. The bastards.
- Coulrophobia: anyone who has seen IT almost definitely has this issue also!
I mostly feel for Char having to tell me to stop being a pussy, and I’m thankful the kids aren’t old enough to see it. Why would these things start after having kids though? It seems very strange to me, and it baffles me more than the Tupac murder conspiracy. The saying “kids will be the death of me”, might just be true!
I’ll give it another 6 months of passively watching CBeebies, and I’ll have a fear of this annoying twat!