In the interest of saving you some money, I have created a list of the stupidest, money grabbing baby products, that only benefit the companies producing the shit. I have purchased some of these not knowing they were useless, and other products I have been told are crap by other users. Now, I must stress that this list is my opinion:
1. The Carrier: I wasn’t going to buy one of these. I always thought they looked silly on men, for reasons unknown. They just looked a bit weird to me. Funnily enough, I don’t read too much into the parenting manuals or pamphlets. I like to figure things out myself and find my own rhythm in everything I do – especially parenting! This is one of the reason I started writing a blog. I don’t want people getting their hopes up, believing that baby shit doesn’t smell. It does. Really fucking bad. But, because I’m a sucker for a bargain, I bought one. It took me a good 20 minutes to figure out which way the thing attached to the chest. They tend to come in two parts – one part attaches to the parent and the other bit is what holds the baby. Baby can be front facing or back facing, but either way is a nightmare. The baby’s head is at the perfect height to head butt you in the chin, and it doesn’t matter if he or she is front or back facing, either position hurts. And the baby’s feet are on par with your balls. But I find that when the baby is front facing this hurts the most, as you have the entire weight of his or hers foot returning to the natural position, plus the force in which the little shit puts behind it. Using mathematics – weight of leg + force of push = terrible, ball shattering pain that makes you feel sick.
2. Dummy Wipes: These things are self explanatory. When your child drops there dummy (and they will, plenty of times) these ‘anti-septic wipes’ are used to wipe off the contaminated, radioactive debris that has clung to the dummy. You must wipe it thoroughly so that, when your child applies it back into his or her gob, they don’t self-combust all over the place, showering standers-by – thus turning them into dummy infected creatures of hell. The above is obviously bollocks, and was meant to make you laugh (hopefully you did). I am pretty certain that these special super-duper wipes are just normal wet wipes in different packaging. You will do what all us parents do: either wipe off the dirt, run it under some water or give it a quick suck to get rid of the nasties.
3. Nappy Bin: This thing makes me laugh. It is a bin, that costs on average around £25, that is purely for soiled nappies. Now, why not buy 200 nappy bags for 50p from any supermarket, throw the shit bomb in one of those and walk it to the outside bin? According to the Mothercare website, the Tommee Tippee Sangenic Nappy Disposal System, wraps each nappy into a plastic film like a sausage to hold in the germs. It also states that this product helps with odour prevention and leaves your home smelling shit-free. But its still sat in the house, nonetheless. Surely it’d be more hygienic getting the satan-possessed item out of the home entirely and into your outdoor bin? Not only that, but the plastic film come in cassettes, which eventually have to be replaced. These things come in packs of 3, costing £12.99 and proudly claim that they hold up to 180 nappies and can be replaced “ONCE – EVERY FOUR WEEKS!!”… That is vile and I would hope you’d all agree! Don’t be lazy, when your child soils a nappy, bag it up and get it out of the house at the earliest opportunity!
4. Wet Wipe Warmer: I saw one of these on a shop once and I had a good laugh about it, until an employee approached me and said “Hello sir, may I help you”, to which I replied “It depends how many of these you have in the storeroom, and how big your bin is!” These things cost around £30 on average, and they are completely pointless. The idea is they keep wet wipes at room temperature and keep the wipes moist so they don’t start “browning or becoming discoloured”, so your baby can have a pleasant changing experience. Firstly, I have never seen or heard of wet wipes getting so dry that they start turning brown. Either these individuals saying this are returning used wipes back into the packet, or they are buying dry brown wipes (these are not a thing… I don’t think). Secondly, I have never seen a child, nor have my own kids ever refused to have a bum change because the wet wipes were too chilly. Kids normally go fucking mental because they have had a poo, and demand the nearest adult to get in there and clean it. Some of these contraptions have a night light fitted to have a “relaxing night-time nappy change”. Yeah, because a hysterically screaming child is going to just stop dead because that electric thingy has a wonderful shade of blue glowing from it. Fuck off!
5. Heartbeat Teddy’s: Yes, we bought one for Noah because he was our first, and we thought it’d be cool for him to hear Char’s heartbeat when he’s in bed. Now, I can see why they are very popular and in theory, they do sound pretty smart. I’m unsure if they all sound like a cross between a cat drowning and Freddy Krueger laughing, but the ones I’ve heard do (including Noah’s). It may just be the batteries dying, but I’ve heard four of these and they all sounded the same. It’d be a weird coincidence if all four were in need of some fresh Duracell Bunnies. I heard it going off once when I was in the shower and I was envisaging the shower scene from Psycho. Turned out to be Char playing fucking mind games with me, as I stood there with my razor (make shift weapon), naked and shivering. Don’t buy them, unless one of you wants to go mental like Jack Nicholson in The Shining and go on a murder spree.