Monday 08 May 2017 – 16 Things Family & Friends Need To Know When We Visit Them.

  1. We will be bringing more baby spares and essentials to cover every single potential baby issue.  These array of items will not be contained in one large bag.  We will have numerous small, irritating bags that you will continue to trip up over for the duration of our stay.
  2. Screaming is inevitable, at any time of the day or night; warn your neighbours.
  3. We have been packing and preparing for this trip for the last two weeks, so it better be worth it.  Provide alcohol, pizza, a babysitter, etc.
  4. I know we have planned to arrive at 12PM.  We will be late.  Maybe choose a 180,000 minute running time movie to watch?
  5. Say goodbye to your living room.  Simplicity maybe all the range and modern these days, but our devil spawn believe in domesticated disasters.
  6. One of the kids will shit their nappy, and it will leak out the sides onto your furniture.  Consider covering every item you own in bin bags or tinfoil.
  7. We will constantly be on the brink of a nervous breakdown.
  8. Make sure all doors and windows are locked once we hand over baby, as we will bolt like a scared horse, frantically looking for an escape route.
  9. Every conversation will end in one of us saying “Before we had kids, that is!”
  10. Please cover the floor with cushions and thick blankets, in case one of us collapses due to exhaustion.
  11. Make sure your TV is playing CBeebies, constantly.  It must remain that way until you can no longer see our car as we leave.
  12. Remember, no matter how unbearable it becomes, you don’t have to go home with them.
  13. Do not attempt to tell us an ‘easier way’ of doing something.  It will end in you being hurt.
  14. If you ask my wife if we plan on having anymore, be prepared to be killed in a bin fire.
  15. Do not use your toothbrush if you see one of our children with it.  It will have definitely been dipped in the toilet.
  16. If money is tight, make sure the toilet is flushed (see previous tip).
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