Me and Char have been married for almost six years now. We’ve been through thick and thin together, and I’m still breathing so I’m obviously doing something right. The problem is, nothing challenges you as a couple more than having a child. And when the sleep deprivation is at it’s peak, you must avoid doing anything of the below to your partner. Unless you desire to have your penis burnt to a crisp with hair straighteners.
Pretending one of the kids hasn’t shit: Nobody enjoys cleaning a shitty arse. Anybody that says they do, are either mental or weird. When I smell poo, I just act oblivious to it. I sit there and pray that Char notices the smell and takes it upon herself to clean it. Don’t get me wrong, I do a lot for my kids, when I’m not working; I’m not a monster! In the early days, this worked at treat! Until she became wise to my selfish game-play and I had to clean every nappy to even out the shitty nappy change ratio. She said she would’ve hurt me because she was too sore from child birth. Thank you crippling child birth!!
Asking for a coffee: This request could mean certain death! If you wander in from work, and blurt this comment out to your missus, she will likely stab you in the eye with a hair clip, and set you alight in a bin fire. I never realised how difficult it was looking after two kids under two, especially on your own. So when she sees my annoying face stroll in from work, it most definitely annoys her enough already, let alone requesting a coffee. Tip: just make your own, it’ll help keep your testicles where they should be.
Maternity leave is a holiday: I love a bit of time off from work; everyone does! I go fishing for a couple of days, I would stick on a movie or read a book. Coffee after coffee, book after book; total bliss! I said “Twelve months off, how amazing would that be!” The look Char adopted was that of an angry bear. I invisaged me as DiCaprio being mauled the fuck out by that bear (now my wife) in the movie The Revenant. She told me she had been shit on three times in one day and had only one screamless hour all day. I said I’d rather go fishing…
Telling her you’re tired: Don’t do it. You may have had the worst day at work ever. You may have been hit by a bus on your way in, dropped your £85 Starbucks coffee and smashed your over-priced smartphone. This is child’s play compared to looking after babies all day long. No adult conversation and an entire day having CBeebies playing is enough to send anyone insane. Get home, offer her a cuppa and try give her five minutes (at least), whilst you sort baby out.
Asking for a lie in: A shitty week at work, late nights and early mornings with the monsters and a realisation you haven’t slept in past 6AM for 18 months. You say to yourself “I think a lie in is in order, I deserve it!” My advice would be to keep that statement to yourself and get the fuck out of bed; why are you even sleeping, slacker?! You may have had a terrible week at work, but you have been out of the house. You have been away from bubble blowers and shit-bomb offenders for a straight 8-10 hours. Above all, you have been around adults and engaged with normal, English speaking, grown humans. Your partner hasn’t. If it is your partner who is on maternity leave or vice-versa, the latter of your pair need to rise with the kids, and give the other some well deserved rest and time away from the monsters.
If you’re still reading, you’re alive and haven’t been set alight in a bin fire or had your penis burnt to a crisp with hair straighteners. My advice must’ve worked – you’re all very welcome!
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