Thursday 18 May 2017 – Ultimate Baby Guide.

We have two little monsters under two, and they demand everything from me and Char.  Noah can say the odd word here and there, but Amelia is only fluent in blowing spit bubbles.  With that being said, we have become interpreters in each form of bizarre language.  With these self-taught skills, we would be able to have a deep, intellectual conversion with one of the Clangers (probably).  I think we could even persuade Jabba the Hutt to stop being a dick, and convince him to release Princess Leia from those chains (the kinky bastard).  She was asking for it, to be fair, dressing like a sex worker from the future (you know, because of it being in space and whatnot).  But I digress; you have to figure out what baby wants as quick as you can, before he or she starts flailing around like MC Hammer on speed.

This can be a real challenge though.  Below, I have listed a toddler indicator and a parent reaction that will satisfy the baby’s issue:

Crying: This is the most common among the little people.  From a parent’s point of view, they love it because that’s all they seem to do sometimes.  It could really mean a wide range of things.  Hungry, wanting a cuddle, hurt themself, wants your toast etc.  The best option is to try everything possible.  Sing to them, make funny faces at them, get them some toast or give them a cuddle. Ok? Right then, next!

Kicking their legs: Isn’t it great when they start kicking their legs and just being a bit more alert and aware of their surroundings?  As much as new burns are cute, it’s nice to see them interacting more, rather than just shitting and sleeping all day, everyday.  Kicking legs can be a sign of frustration, or it may help them push out a poo or they may even fancy a run!  So my advice is to deal with the frustration side of things by turning the box on to watch CBeebies.  For the poo side of things, give them a vindaloo. And if they want a run, go get a treadmill and some running trainers! Sorted!

Being sick: We’ve all been there, and we know how unpleasant vomiting can be; especially for a little baby.  This could mean they don’t agree with their milk, or they didn’t enjoy their time on the swings as much as they thought or they could just be a bit ill.  If it is their milk, seek medical help and find a better brand that suits your baby.  If it was your Hulk-strength pushes on the swings, just calm it.  And if they are ill, then get them a huge bar of chocolate and stick on Bridget Jones.

Blowing spit bubbles: This is really cute until you are changing their clothes ten times a day because they are constantly soaked in saliva.  What can it mean, you ask?  Well, this could be a sign of rabies, or they may be getting ready to lick that envelope closed for you.  The best remedy is to seek vetinary advice to rule out baby rabies.  And if they are getting ready to lick shut your envelope, consider asking your local post office for job vacancies in 18 years time. 

The above is obviously satire.  I felt like writing this because I recently flicked through a “parenting manual” and it was suggesting loads of idiotic reasons a baby would do certain things.  I found it nothing but hilarious, and suddenly this post idea popped in my head.  Parenting is learnt by experience, not by books!! 



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s