Tuesday 06 June 2017 – The Teletubbies: My Opinion.

I have never understood these… things.  I use the general term so loosely, because I have no real idea as to what they actually are.  I do remember watching it as a kid and I just thought the whole show was a little creepy.

Anyway, it is based in a field, really.  The terrain is covered in hills and seems to be overrun by rabbits – infested even!  If there are rabbits, there will be other rodents on the loose.  If anything, this says to me that the Teletubbies are dirty bastards, and leave food and rubbish everywhere.  They live in a domed-shaped house which would be an absolute nightmare if there was a flood. What with the sliding doors and the hole in the roof, but I digress:

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  • Tinky-Winky: This one is the tallest and presumably the oldest of the bunch.  He is purple and has an old box TV shaped aerial on his head.  He almost always seem to carry a red bag.  I’m unsure if it is male or female, to be honest.  Carrying a red bag could mean she is female, or maybe he’s transitioning?

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  • Dipsy: This prick is bright green and is apparently named after his antenna, due to it being shaped as a dipstick.  Some say dipstick I say a penis, hence why I call him Dicky.  Dipsy or ‘Dicky’ seems to be the most stubborn of the lot and will occasionally refuse to do what the rest of the group decide to do.  I didn’t know this, but apparently his face is slightly darker than the rest of them, because the guy in the suit is black.

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  • Laa-Laa: She is the headache-inducing yellow coloured one.  She is the most annoying or “the sweetest one” of them.  She acts as mother to all the other twats and her favourite toy seems to be a big orange ball.  Her antenna is shaped like a pigs tail – must be a nightmare to find a good signal.

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  • Po: This one is like the baby of the group, and acts even more childish (if this is even possible) than the rest of them.  The creators have said that the woman in the costume is Cantonese.  Her antenna is shaped like a bumhole or a spoon with a hole in the middle.

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  • Noo-Noo: This is a greedy as fuck, living and breathing hoover.  It literally just mooches round looking for food and such like to suck up.  No idea why this character is even a thing.  It communicates through sucking and slurping noises, which sounds like audio from a dirty video.

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  • Voice Trumpets: I have no idea why these are a thing either.  They are exactly as they sound. They produce a voice which tells them to wake up, do shit through the day, and then tells them to fuck off to bed.  This seemed a bit creepy to me. A bit Big Brother-esque. 

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  • Sun Baby: This is a baby’s face as the sun.  It laughs.  Thats about it.  Pointless? YES!

 

Each episode has the usual kids TV show premise:

  • Morning breaks (you know, with the Sun Baby rising into the sky), and the Teletubbies grace us with their presence.
  • As an example, one of the four will be playing with a bike, so they all want a go. 
  • A random child ‘calls’ them and the call is received through their antennas and a webcam is projected from their bellys. 
  • The child in the video will be playing on a bike to fit in with the episodes theme. And then the video will finish.
  • Then for some annoying reason. The tubbies have a mild case of amnesia and decide to watch the video again. 
  • They will fuck around for ten minutes or so and the voice trumpets will instruct them that it’s time for “tubby bye bye”.

The thing that is strange to me is they are controlled by everything around them. They seem to live in such a monotonous place, with a baby faced sun watching them 24/7. Then they have the voice trumpets telling them what to do and when to do it.

 If anything, The Telletubbies are televised slaves who have developed a strong case of Stockholm Syndrome. Sad really. Poor buggers. Tinky Winky, if you’re reading this, I will rescue you all for a bowl of tubbie custard. You seem to be the ring leader and if you want out of that rabbit infested hell hole, give me a call! 

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